A friend from high school, whom I admire, made an interesting observation about the Ashley Madison scandal. Just as a recap, Ashley Madison is a site that is known for making it possible for married people to meet other people looking to have an affair. A few weeks ago the information of clients on the site was hacked and a few days ago that information was posted on the web. Here is a little of what he posted on the subject:

Ashley Madison data is online. We now know that roughly 17% of the population is sufficiently dissatisfied with monogamy that they want to join a web site whose tag line is "life is short, have an affair" (but note: they don't actually want to get divorced, or they would)

I deeply hope this sparks a discussion about our real sexual and relationship needs, rather than the fantasies we indoctrinate ourselves in. It's pretty clear that our fantasy relationships simply do not correspond to reality for a significant percentage of the entire population (and remember that AM is only one adult web site out of millions).

Ever since I became of dating age, so roughly when I was 15, I have felt pressure from my parents, certain social circles and some religious organizations to ‘settle down,’ get married and have the prerequisite 2.5 children. It was drilled into my head this was my duty as an American, a human being and a Christian. It was made very clear to me, even to this day with my parents, that not doing this didn’t necessarily mean there was something wrong with me, but something wasn’t right with a person who didn’t want to follow that path. Roughly translated: Something is wrong with me! I remember one time in the mid-90s when I had a roommate leave the 2 bedroom apartment abruptly and I was desperately looking to find someone to move in. I talked to my parents about it, basically for some reassurance, but my mother told me, and this isn’t an exaggeration, that if I was married I wouldn’t have to worry about finding a roommate because I would already have one. She continued to strongly imply that if I had a wife everything would be OK.

I have had those not so subtle hints dropped on me constantly. Just the other day I was talking to my parents about the struggles I’m having with unemployment and the comment came up again that they worry about me being alone and that they pray all the time that I will get married. I don’t think it’s a generational situation where there is a pressure to get married. People to a degree are obsessed with getting married, with being a couple or having a significant other. There are many people that dread the months of November through February because in that short span you have ta concentration of coupledom activity. With Thanksgiving, take your pick of religious Winter holidays, New Years and Valentine’s day, people are bombarded with images of family, togetherness, couples in love and a subtle bit of shaming for those folks who are alone.

One thing I find troubling about relationships as they are presented is we love the fantasy and not the reality. We are constantly bombarded with the perfect and most enjoyable parts of relationships. We have you and me against the world, with the couple facing the horde of ‘haters’ over their strong love for one another. We have the strong sense of the loyal family unit. We’re supposed to have a love of family that, for me, seems to be wrong on so many logical levels. Be loyal to the family no matter how much the person in the family has screwed up? That’s not something I subscribe to. Despite what people pretend to believe, we are effected by family members, close friends and society in our relationship choices. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard or seen people who are in terrible relationships but won’t get out of them. There have been many times when I’ve seen people with good hearts get kicked to the curb because of the hot for the moment bad boy or the touch me and turn me on sex kitten. Things can get so desperate because of peer pressure people will settle for someone, anyone who will make them feel good for the moment.

I will probably not make my parents proud. I don’t see myself getting married, but it’s not for lack of trying. I know from my high school days at Gompers and my love of comics and movies I’m not someone who fits into stereotypical mold. It’s not that I don’t want to get married, at least I think I might want to get married, I just don’t see it as a priority. I could get maudlin and say because I haven’t found the one true love is the reason why I’m not seeking out love and companionship, but that would be an oversimplification of how I feel and frankly it sounds like a clumsy way of trying to get sympathy. This was the part where I was going to breakdown some parts of my personal life but I decided I don’t want to go there. To make parts of my life work I have had to separate and catalog a few emotional issues. I’ll admit what I’ve had to do isn’t for everyone, but I’ve made it work for myself. As much as I may want to be above the typical relationship drama society says we must be in, I’ve tried to work things out for myself so I’m not making choices that are more for peer pressure than what is right for me.

What I get from the comment made by my high school friend is social emotions and sexual issues are subjects we don’t want to get into. We have a pattern laid out by society and many people blindly follow that path. When things in their life don’t follow the pattern, it is easier to lie and hide than to confront because societal pressures make us unwilling to make changes that go against the norm.